


Resignation

by Jox22



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood and Injury, F/F, F/M, Future, Heaven & Hell, Introspection, Minor appearance of other characters - Freeform, Nightmares, Post Season 4, Post Series, potential loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 18:21:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27441109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jox22/pseuds/Jox22
Summary: An easy fun BBQ.A wayward sentence.And altogether to much time and too little to dwell on the inevitable.In the quiet moments Chloe tries to find acceptance. He's here safe content they have a life, friends, each other but even as she gazed at him she mourns him.
Relationships: Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 8
Kudos: 19





	Resignation

Chloe tilts her head back, plastering a smile on her face and hoping to seem like she's just soaking up the last of the summer sun. She pushes her head hard against the wood and closes her eyes. It's like watching a car crash, morbidly fascinating and unable to change the course.  _ ‘And the day had been so good.’ _ She briefly morns.  _ ‘and still is!’ _ a feeble attempt at...something. She doesn't even know anymore. She opens her eyes to watch the imminent crash, after all the disaster is only on a collision course towards her.

~~~~~ 

Midday had everyone converging on Linda's back lawn for a cookout. A chance to take advantage of the last of the summer season. Their schedules aligning for them all to be together without the extra drama of celestial B.S. being the determining factor. 

Chole had seen more than one of them knock knuckles against the closest wood surface as the thought seemed to have occurred to each of them in turn. Some discrete, Dan, beer in hand against the table as he foraged for snacks, and some plainly obvious, Eve with a laugh against the back door as she came through, revitalizing the superstition by verbalizing it. Another round of knocks occurred after this. 

They had all gossiped, played games, eaten, shared recipes and life events and laughed over Dan teaching the two angles how to grill, Amenadiel going all in with complete confidence and lucifer noping out as the flames spouted and something popped within, threatening splatters and likely mess. Maze scoffing and going into a detailed explanation of how to properly hunt and break down food, Eve hanging on her every word. 

They were all lounged around the fire pit as the day wore down when Chloe sensed the turn in the conversation. 

Trixie had brought along a friend so as not to be completely bored as the only child in a group of adults. Charlie, though well loved, was still a bit too young to be considered more than a passing entertainment. The girls were now making another smore in the fire pit. She should warn the girls off but she knows they both ate well at dinner so she pushes back at the adult sensibilities. Besides she has other worries to attend to. 

Ella and Lucifer easily take the bulk of the conversation with Eve’s enthusiasm peppered throughout. Linda laughs easily and snuggles a sleepy Charlie on her chest, the little boy all gangly as he loses his baby fat, she reaches out an arm to pat Amenadiel who just looks confused. Chloe makes sure her expression is even and she responds appropriately to the easy conversation, teasingly Amenadiel lightly with them but she's not fully focused on anyone waiting for the inevitable. 

She doesn't flinch when it happens, just leans forward as Lucifer twists around, his soft smile brightening as their eyes connect, separated as they are by children and lawn chairs he still reaches out. They're too far for anything more than their finger tips to briefly squeeze together, but it’s enough. Their hands drop and he goes back to the conversation with the others, the topic shifting again. 

Her own hand slides back between her crossed legs safely held down between the denim. She leans back, deliberately effecting a comfortable slump in the lawn chair and doesn't dare lift the beer bottle from the arm where it's resting in her other hand. The condensation trickles down her fingers, but she holds steady, lest anyone see her trembling. 

Every so often despite the circumstance or conversation, somehow  _ ‘it’ _ rolls around and Lucifer will smile in that heartbroken soft way that he first gave her on the beach, the first time when he believed that he was not enough for her. Then he’ll continue with complete certainty,  _ ‘You’ll be in the silver city, somewhere I can't follow.’ _ or some variation of the same. She won't argue with him, she doesn't dare. 

If the situation is particularly stressful he'll gather her close as if afraid she will simply ascend if he doesn't keep his grip on her, those situations are few and far between thankfully. More often he just needs a touch of reassurance, a kiss, a hand to hold, a solid weight to lean against. He looks over again and it takes everything to smile at him and casually lift the beer to her lips.

Someone pulls his attention away and she swallows thickly around the guilt that had stirred up, it sits heavy in her chest. It gnaws at her and she hates the feeling but she'll morbidly poke at it until she can bury it again, fully knowing that it only makes the situation worse. 

The topic comes up more often then she thinks is reasonable and she risks an eye roll to the heavens in complaint, but she's not fully committed to the rancor she shoots upward, how can she be, when she only has herself to blame. 

~~~~~

Lucifer is devout in his belief that when the time comes he will lose her irrevocably. Had it not been for her own stupidly she would have agreed with him, not that she would have accepted it mind you but she would have understood his reasoning. 

Chloe knows despite Lucifer's convictions that she is going to hell. There is no _If's_ about it.

For a long while when he was away her dreams were dark. Her own self punishment. In these she is a gray twisted thing, her skin a film of grease, any softness in her body wasted away leaving bones pushing through thin skin, fingers too long, blood around nails that are too sharp. 

She hadn't realized at first, in the dreams what it was, what she was. 

The dreams start with an emptiness, a moment paused then restarted, except she never remembers what came before. She's looking for Lucifer and sees a glimpse of gold and she's turning to follow a familiar figure through a sudden crowd. She understands that she's following herself at one point, jeans, jacket, favorite white shirt, gun and badge at her hip, she follows her own golden streaked hair, vaguely jealous that she can never get it to curl in that soft way.

Chole followers blindly, always just out of reach and always with a sense of pending disaster.

They move through the Lux crowd, the beach, the precinct, her home with a voice sounding like Trixie behind her door that she wont open, desperately pleading.  _ ‘But it's just Lucifer Mommy!’ _ and finally through the penthouse until she's again at the balcony, Lucifer frozen before the other-Chloe. He looks devastated and resigned to his fate. 

Chloe had been pulled to her other self and in that dream way. Other-her had turned then, face just as hollow as the body, which she fully saw only now. Eyes too wide and red rimmed and blood shot, manic grin and cracked bleeding lips. Its voice, her voice was searingly righteous, it held an echo that sounded of Kinley, their voices threading together. _ ‘It's the right thing to do, for Lucifer for your daughter.’ _

The other-her had grabbed at her face as if trying to impart some knowledge, a obscene parody of comfort. Nails digging in to her scalp and then harsh ragged lips pressed onto her own. The hands scraped and grabbed clenching at her neck, grasping at her shoulders. Hands and nails scraped at her back and slid down, grabbed at her waist forcing their two body's closer the bony hands roaming possessively pressing their breast together, hips grinding, all the while pulling them closer together until finally Chole understood that the Other was seeping into her flesh, the plaid skin invading her very pores until she stood numb and alone, breathless in front of Lucifer, having not fought the violation at all. 

She felt the Other-her lifting her hand, their hand to rest over Lucifer’s heart. The skin flashing between sickly gray and healthy tan until the gray took over. She felt her-their, mouth stretching.  _ ‘I could never love a monster.’ _ Her-their, hand clawed at Lucifer's chest digging through fabric then flesh, ribs splintering, scrapping pushing until his heart was in her-their hand, it pumped feebly still, sustaining a waterfall from her-their, palm. 

Lucifer only looked at her with his soft smile before finally moving, reaching a hand out to cup her cheek. _ ‘It was always you Chloe.’ _ His wings spread then, horribly mangled, bloody and brunt. He stepped backwards, the railing having vanished or never there.  _ ‘Goodbye.’ _ Chloe brings his heart up and eats it as he falls. 

~~~~~

On the bad days, Chloe avoids mirrors of any sort and gives thanks that her human status means she cant self actualize, outside of her dreams anyway. 

These days she wonders at Lucifer's ability to forgive her. When she breaks under the grief of it, if she allows herself that is, it's only if she knows Lucifer and Trixie will be out of the house for a good while. Time so she can pathetically sob under the blankets or in the tub. 

She fears that she's not enough sometimes, how can she be after what she did. The twisted part of her that had run and had been frightened enough to believe the worst of him. Blinding trusting a zealot and aggreging to murder and send the one person that had always supported her, loved her, to a place of torment and punishment. The part of her that had been warped enough to lie to him in order to corner him into a date only to betray him. 

That part she held onto or it held on to her, at this point was there really a difference. 

She doesn't want to go to hell persay, other the nebulous want of being near him, she had no delusions that she would escape her punishment or that she would somehow get to live with him there as some sort of queen, she was very aware that her mere presence will be yet another punishment on him, again, from her. 

She can't seem to stop hurting him she doesn't mean to but good intentions and all. Brick by brick she laid them down all on her own.

_ ‘It's not a secret if I'm telling you the truth.’  _

_ ‘I'm bleeding.’  _

_ ‘just test my blood Detective, then we’ll have a real conversation.’  _

_ ‘You deserve someone worthy of that grace...I'm not worth it.’ _

_ ‘If you think that I wouldn't forgive you for your mistakes or your flaws. If you think that I don't know who you really are by now you're wrong.’  _

_ ‘Let me tell you what I think about Marcus.’  _

_ ‘Not to me.’ _

Lucifer will not talk to her about hell. 

Chloe is morbidly curious about it waffling between resigned and wanting to fight back. If she gets him at a good time, criminals are a good excuse. Chloe can back walk around Lucifer's stubbornness and gleam some details from the bits and pieces he parts with; she doesn’t abuse this too often lest he figure her out, but she does use it. 

The picture she builds leaves her with a righteous impotence against a bigger system she has no control over. 

When he had first made his comment about losing her and she had realized the flaw in that logic and stupidly pointed it out, it had caused their first big fight, well second normal-ish, first big fight. After many days of arguments, tense silences and many trips to therapy, Linda for Lucifer and someone else for Chloe. Her suggestion, and well not a bad idea, another mark against her as she knew if she spoke to Linda on this she wouldn't be able to hide. Lucifer under the impression that Chloe was working through whatever guilt she had and therefore safe, they had worked through the fight but it still left him edgy if she brought the topic up. 

For her main source of information she had gone to Maze. She had deliberately stayed sober one tribe night to work up arguments and courage and when the rest of the party was dropped off at their various homes, Maze had simply turned to her with a warning scowl.  _ ‘He won't like you knowing about this.’ _ and proceeded to launch into a detailed account of what to expect as Chloe drove. Answering any and all questions with straight facts. 

Chloe had turned to her after the information overload full of excuses and reassurances but was cut off, Maze only giving her raised eyebrows  _ ‘Don't spin yourself in circles Decker. I'll keep your secret.’  _

_ ‘It's not a secret, I mean. I have no secrets.’  _ She sputtered. 

Maze had just looked away before getting out of the car. Chloe following, something like shame dragging at her heels. Maze got on her bike to head to what was now her apartment; having car pooled as Chole refused to ride. _ ‘Look Chloe, you Lucifer and secrets don't mix well, or at all. Just figure it out. Whatever it is.’ _ Maze had looked a bit wistful then.  _ ‘Hell is home, it was home. and you know I've done just about everything to get back.’  _

She swung a leg over the bike in an infuriating graceful move Chloe can't reproduce.  _ ‘Anger, hatred, sex its all easier there. And yeah sometimes all I want is the easy out. Feelings suck. But, for those of us with a soul.’ _ A satisfied smirk.  _ ‘Well, as hard as it is sometimes I've learned the good that comes out of the struggle is worth it.’  _

Maze had driven off after and all Chloe could think is the only reason Maze didn't want hell anymore was because she had found a home. The problem with this thinking was her new home was Eve and not L.A. and Lucifer was Choles home. 

~~~~~

Chloe loves Lucifer with everything left of her that she can and she knows Lucifer loves her. He does it with an effortlessness and completeness that can terrify her at times. Even through the disagreements or fights or simple misunderstandings, with every look with every touch his whole being surrounds her in a way, that on her dark days, that makes her hate him.

This too is connected with the guilt, one part or her feeding another. 

How dare he love her so easily, the damned bastard. Even when he had hurt her in the past by pulling away, in one form or another, it was always out of love or concern. She doesn't hate him, she can't, she never could even during  _ that _ time, but she is envious. Lucifer is never one to ask for anything from her, not really. He asks for her forgiveness of his actions, he asks for her attention, he asks if she's ok with him, he asks if she will be willing to tolerate him as her partner if she can't love him. 

Lucifer was never the obstacle or problem, never. It was her, she was the one to  _ ‘Need the eggs.’ _ Blindly promising love and acceptance, then turning around and laughing in his face when he had the nerve to believe her. Chloe hates that she's hurt him so much, so she loves him deeply now. She doesn't allow herself to doubt him not anymore. If anything she doubts herself. Not her love, not that, but she wonders if something else will come along and twist her into betraying him. She doesn't dare let him see this, a lie, a bluff to add to her weight, but she'll carry it so it doesn't darken his light. 

So this is where she is, doomed, knowing she is destined for hell.

Lucifer catches her eye and not so subtly adjusts the watch Trixie had gifted him shortly after they had moved in permanently together and waggles his eyebrows. She chuckles genuinely now and shakes her head with a question, nodding to the two girls giggling near the fire. Said friend would be spending the night later as well. He scowls darkly, and she can practically she him calculating if he can somehow pawn them off to anyone else. She gives her own smirk when he realizes there are no options, but he only glares at her in challenge, his eyes darkening in a way that sends her pulse racing. 

On the good days, days with Lucifer and Trixie that stretch, warm and comforting, where her heart swells endlessly with love, and no one has any other obligation or pressures to be anywhere else. She would give anything for the days to last just a bit longer. These days she can feel the dark twisted part of her wither and tuck away to a dark corner of her mind and only then will she allow herself to hope that maybe they can have some type of peace at the end of it all. 

These days she can believe that she and Lucifer somehow can have a happy ending and maybe a happy eternity. These days are bittersweet as she burns with hope and possibilities and she can pretend to believe in a God that is forgiving and if not, a God she can fight against and win. 

Because isn't that how it should work? love conquers all. 

Later, after they had gone home and Lucifer, once deeming it safe and the bedroom door locked, least they all have another traumatized for all eternity moment, and the girls had been told off for giggling late into the night, after Lucifer had kept her up even later still, after he had fallen asleep with a lazy contented smirk, then she let the tears come, silent. 

She thinks occasionally of forgetting her birth control for the chance of giving him a child, someone that he can hold onto, a piece of her that would keep him balanced. It's a cruel thought a child is not a tool, but she thinks on it. 

They're not sure yet if Charlie will have a normal life span or be able to easily travel dimensions like his father. The children she imagines remain as phantoms dancing between the two of them, a mix of Decker and Morningstar; they're a mix of his smile and her nose, his heart and her..well it's better if they take more after him. Some part of her selfishly aches for them, for so many reasons, but they remain only a desperate thought. She's afraid to give him something else to learn and wonder at in joy, only to lose it. 

In the quiet moments Chloe tries to find acceptance. He's here safe content they have a life, friends, each other but even as she gazed at him she mourns him. 

Their time is so short she knows he fears it too and she'd do anything to save him from her absence. Too selfish yet to let him know it would be ok to love after her.

She wants to be brave enough to let him go, to not wish for more. She wants so much but deserves nothing. 

So she’ll reach with greedy hands and hold him close as long as he’ll have her, love him with every particle of her being, and pray everyday for her absence not to be the last thing from her to break him. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> muh! ok I cant keep poking at this, so its going up ready or not. 
> 
> So, I will first say that I love the show, in general happy with all content. However if I have to. I will say I do not agree with the severity of the left turn Chloe took for season 4, at least not with the character we'd been given up to that point. It is plausible but not without valid reasoning to support the actions, which I feel was not done or explained. 
> 
> So this is not a re-wright but just an exploration of the consequences to that development. 
> 
> Standard disclaimer. 
> 
> Hello. I'm moving things over from another site that shall not be named.
> 
> Also. Yes I do realize that I have horrid grammar and a dyslexic relationship with spelling.


End file.
